Blackspire

The Play

Well, I’m behind by a day, so I’ll drop 2 of these today (just not at the same time). Leg 4’s challenge was to write a play using mostly dialogue tags.

We’ll Eat Well Tonight

[Interior, central room in a dungeon labyrinth. Torches flicker dully along the walls beside gaudy purple and gold curtains. OGDAR THE BARBARIAN, SLYT THE THIEF, ADRAGORN THE RANGER & NED THE NECROMANCER stand surrounded by the bodies of the slain and several treasure chests.]

ADRAGORN: Well, get with it, Slyt.

SLYT (looking confused): Get with what?

ADRAGON (exasperated): Picking the locks on those chests. We slew the boss, now we get the loot.

SLYT (annoyed): Riiight. Why assume that I can pick locks?

OGDAR: What thief no can pick locks?

SLYT (mumbling): …

NED: What was that? I couldn’t hear you.

SLYT: I said, I skipped that day at the academy.

ADRAGORN: Of course, you did.

NED: Thieves have their own academy?

OGDAR: Me smash chests!

ALL: No! Ogdar, don’t!

OGDAR (startled): What me do?

NED: You can’t just go around smashing everything! What if there are traps? My cousin Al was with a party once that tripped a chest trap and *POOF* everyone went up in a fireball.

SLYT: Or mimics!

OGDAR(sadly): Me wanted smash.

ADRAGORN (putting a hand on OGDAR’s shoulder): It’ll be alright. Let’s get the treasure, then get back to the tavern. First round of ale’s on me. 

OGDAR grins happily.

SLYT: If Ogdar can’t smash ‘em and I can’t pick ‘em, what do you suggest?

ADRAGORN: Ned?

NED (resignedly): Fine, I’ll do it. This is the last time, though!

SLYT: Why? Isn’t it kind of your thing?
NED (in the middle of chanting and making motions with his hands): Not the point! It’s a waste of a perfectly good minion.

GR EEN LIGHT FLARES AROUND ONE OF THE CORPSES. IT SITS UP WITH A GROAN.

NED: Force open the chest on the north wall.

CORPSE: AAARUUUGGGH!!

NED: No backtalk! The faster you get it done, the sooner you can get back to your eternal slumber.

THE CORPSE FORCES OPEN THE CHEST. NOTHING HAPPENS.

ALL: Cheering

NED: Now go open the next one.

CORPSE: AAGGUUUGGGHHHH

THE CORPSE FORCES OPEN THE CHEST. NOTHING HAPPENS.

ALL: Scattered clapping.

NED: Fine, go open the last one. You’re free after that.

CORPSE: GGUUUGGRRRHHHUUUAA

THE CORPSE FORCES OPEN THE FINAL CHEST. NOTHING HAPPENS. THE CORPSE FALLS DOWN DEAD AGAIN.

ADRAGORN (inspecting the contents of the chests): There must be 1,000 gold here! We’ll eat well tonight! — Stop that!

SLYT (surreptitiously pocketing gems): Fine! Don’t let a girl have any fun.

ADRAGORN: Let’s grab those curtains. We can use them to carry the loot back up to the surface.

THE GROUP SPREADS OUT TO BEGIN TAKING DOWN THE CURTAINS.

SLYT: Hey, Ned, why can’t the undead write music?

NED (slightly annoyed and confused): What?

SLYT: Because they can only de-compose!

ALL: Groan

SLYT: Wait, I’ve got another. Why don’t dragons eat paladins? Because they taste lawful!

OGDAR: Tell joke about mimics!

SLYT (laughing): Fine, fine big guy. We went into a tavern one night, and the barkeep asked why we wouldn’t give up our weapons. ‘Mimics’, I said, then I laughed, he laughed, and the table—

CURTAINS: Laughter

ALL (strangling noises)

(Dad jokes found here.)

Instructions

Leg 4 – The Play Leg: Write your piece as a short play. Use dialogue format and character names, e.g.:

MARY: (stirring tea) We’ve always lived here, ever since the Chasm.  
JOHN: (glancing out the window) Can you hear it, Mary? Tonight the attic rattles as hell again.
NARRATOR: A night breeze whacks through the empty house. 
(Sounds of whacking, at this moment. WHACK, WHACK. Use any device that's outside of stage, preferably to induce some wind effect onto the actors. )

Stage directions (in parentheses or italics) are allowed, but the entire story should unfold through spoken lines, not paragraphs of narration.

Link to the rest of the week 1 prompts.